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My own stupidity.

What a different place I'm in now than I was six months ago.I was planning to adopt a foster child - and that didn't happen because at the end stage my husband backed out. It killed me that he did that. We had the crib in our room. We had the closet filled with diapers, toys, clothing etc. But he wasn't ready. And looking back, I realize that he may have been the wise one. The truth is, WE weren't ready. I was ready to be a mother - ready for the challenge. But we were not ready as a couple, and I should have seen that. But I didn't. His words destroyed that dream - well that's what I thought at the time. Truthfully it just meant that I'd have to wait. But I've never been a patient woman.

In my grief over that and other ugly truths that came from our fight, I packed my things and I left. I started an internet relationship with someone I thought understood me from halfway across the world and I let him be my lifeline as I moved back home to live with my parents. I left my husband. I broke his heart. Despite me leaving, he and I continued to talk, to see one another even. As mad as I was at him, I still thought of him as my best friend. He and I drew up a sort of separation contract. He wanted to continue to support me until I could support myself.

I made myself believe that maybe that's all we were meant to be - the best of friends. I tried to be his best friend. For a few months that sort of worked. In the meantime I started dating real live people and consequently had a huge falling out with controlling internet boyfriend - probably one of the best things that could have happened. I lost 50lbs. I went back to school. I met a sweetheart of a guy who after twelve dates asked me to be his girlfriend - knowing that I still had feelings for my husband and that I missed him and wasn't over him. I don't lie in relationships to other people - I tend to lie only to myself.

I probably should have listened to all the wiser older people in my life who told me to give myself more time. To not make commitments and have a boyfriend. But I don't know how to be alone. I've never been alone for any significant length of time.

A month ago my husband bought me my "within reason" dream car. He has supported me financially and emotionally - even talking to me as I talk about my boyfriend. He tells me he loves me and is in love with me but he doesn't want me back right now. He wants to be young and explore life and possibilities. He's dating right now. Women... and a man for the first time. I don't know what to think because truthfully we're not together. I sort of understand it. I want to give him what he needs, I really do. Its just hard. He comes over and stays over and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Nothing happens but just having him next to me... it makes me want a life with him again. Our own place. Us. The way we used to be before the adoption thing.

My boyfriend knows that my husband comes over and even sleeps in bed next to me. He trusts me. I wouldn't cheat on him or deliberately "do" anything. But emotionally I'm definitely up and down. My boyfriend knows I still love my husband yet he stays with me because he hopes that he'll be the one in the end. That I'll eventually choose him.

I don't know how I feel about my boyfriend. One day I feel like, wow, this guy was like tailor made by God for me, I think I might love him. Then on other days I'm like totally fine that he and I wont see each other for a week or longer - I don't really miss him other than when I first drop him off. I definitely LIKE him. I am very physically attracted to him. But I feel none of the obsessive sort of feelings that you normally get when you're with someone new - he and I have been together for 3 months or so now and isn't this supposed to be the honeymoon period when you can't get enough of each other and people barf at the sight of you together?

He is everything I want on paper - incredibly smart, well read, geeky, funny, sweet, loyal, trusting, strong, dedicated, a lover of children. He makes me feel safe and desired and cherished and loved. The sex is out of this world - he is my perfect, ideal match in this way and I've never found anyone else I could be this way with in the way I want. I don't know if that makes sense. He wants to be a teacher - the same as I do. He wants to build a family. He wants to be my partner and help me in all things. He's not afraid of hard work and isn't lazy in the way that my husband is. He's my age while my husband is four years younger than I am. My boyfriend and I are so similar in so many ways - we like our food the same way - we have the same odd little ticks and habits that we've never found in anyone else. I almost feel like he could be the male version of me - my twin. But that's kind of creepy isn't it? We're so similar... so so similar. I'm not sure I like having a constant mirror of myself around all the time. It's disconcerting. Of course we have SOME differences - he's more of a colorful character than I am, much more talkative, and more socially awkward - but nobody is perfect. When I look into the future with him in mind, I can see me having a great partner - a good teammate. I think we'd be successful together as a couple. But here's the thing. I can't really give him my whole heart. I still love my husband.

I know my husband and I aren't the perfect couple. We are not sexually compatible. We have different ideas of what we want right now. If we have kids it wouldn't be for a very, very long time. Yet I've never felt more myself than when I'm with him. I can say ANYTHING and even if we bicker we're both cool with it because we know the other person doesn't mean it. He's proven to me that he loves me, I know that he does, that he's loved me probably more than anyone. I can't imagine my life without him. Yet I might have to. What if he finds love someone else? He might. He's definitely bi-curious and what if he likes men more than women? There are so many questions here. So much uncertainty. We both have wounds.

Sometimes I think that I'm happy that all this happened because I've really found myself outside of all this relationship drama. I found that I can lose weight if I need to and that I am smart and capable and able to go to school and be successful. I'm volunteering at a local elementary school and I love my work with the kids. I'm so much more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever been. I stand up for myself now and I've never done that before. I voice my opinion even if it isn't going to be popular or if it might cause an argument. The only person I have to feed, clean up after, and take care of is myself and that is kind of a relief. Things are good. I just hope that in time the romance department sorts itself out.

The one thing I totally lack is patience but I think I'm getting a huge lesson in it right now. Its probably exactly what I need. But I don't have to like it.